Monster

The secret side of me I never let you see / I keep it caged, but I can't control it / So, stay away from me, the beast is ugly / I feel the rage and I just can't hold it. --Monster by Skillet

Sin nature. It looms deep within the dark and hidden chasms of each of us, causing us to do things we will later regret, say things we really don't mean, and in the long run, hurt others and embarrass ourselves. We all have an "ugly side" to us. The one, as the song lyrics state, that we rarely let others see. The side that we try to control and keep locked away. Unfortunately, due to a lack of self-control, self-discipline, or sometimes just a flat-out lack of common sense, this monster gets released and proceeds to wreak havoc on our lives and the lives of those around us. I was faced with a scenario much like this over the past week. Somehow some part of me with the "selfishness" key slipped in and unlocked the cage of the temper monster. While I have a lot of little pet monsters, the ones you might see in a Bugs Bunny cartoon, furry little guys with great big eyes and rather small fangs (such as the worry monster), the temper monster is the horror-film ready creature that is worthy of the steel-barred cage. It is by far one of my strongest monsters and, therefore, the most difficult to subdue once it is out on rampage. After an extremely strenuous struggle with this monster I was able, with some help from God, to throw it back into its cage and lock the door. Unfortunately, during the struggle some damage was done. I not only embarrassed myself, but I hurt the feelings of others. Through this experience God really showed me how much control my monster has over my life. I was utterly ashamed at the way I had reacted, and wondered if I could ever forgive myself for allowing myself to get so out of control. It was as if I was not even me anymore. I was reminded of the passage in Romans where Paul states, "I do not understand what I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do-- this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it" Romans 7:15-20 NIV.

The Skillet song continues: It's scratching on the walls / In the closet, in the halls / It comes awake and I can't control it/ Hiding under the bed, in my body, in my head / Why won't somebody come and save me from this? / Make it end / I feel it deep within, / It's just beneath the skin / I must confess that I feel like a monster / I hate what I've become / The nightmare's just begun / I must confess that I feel like a monster/ I feel like a monster

Thankfully, as I was pouting around the pit of feeling like I could never forgive myself for this terrible side of me, God opened my eyes to two very significant truths:

1.) If it seems impossible to change myself, it is. However it is not impossible for me to change. But, it is not me that does the work, it is God and His almighty power coupled with my willing heart and spirit.

2.) Although change seems so hopeless and far away, it's not. I read a quote on a friend's Facebook page which read, "A part of God's plan is bringing you to a point of desperation where you get so sick of yourself and your inability to change that you throw up your hands in surrender. When this happens, you are closer than you think to knowing the joy of the Spirit-filled life." Charles Stanley

Thankfully, through all this embarrassment, shame, and self-disgust, God has shown me that it is through the times when our ugly side is revealed that He sparks in us the desire for change and the hatred of our sin-nature "monster". The next time your monster, or my monster, escapes let's pray that God will beat it down to size and help us to take it on and ultimately defeat it! God is the ultimate monster slayer.